A reflection on the last 18 months since losing Rosie… prompted by events of the last 6 weeks…
Preface…
The last 6 weeks have been difficult and challenging.
Losing my step-mum Dot brought its own grief. It also caused the even deeper grief of losing Rosie to resurface, along with the pain of many other life events going right back to my childhood.
However, this time has also given me two profound gifts…
- The opportunity to face and deal with unresolved issues in my life.
- Something I have never experienced before… surrounding the grief and turmoil… a deep overriding sense of peace.
Losing Rosie thrust me into an unfamiliar, empty place.
I had no choice but to go there. Much of what defined ‘me’ disappeared.
Alongside grief I was faced with the need to redefine myself and my life.
This recent turmoil has also helped me see how many changes have already occurred. I’m standing on the threshold of a new life and I’m so grateful to be here.
However I dare not take it for granted and so remain vigilant. Life never stops challenging us with tough times and I have no desire to take the ‘downward’ path again.
My life is changing…
The grief of Rosie’s death is slowly giving way.
An energy I’ve never had before is creeping in.
I’m beginning to discover a new identity;
the freedom to make choices and set a new course.
I’m filtering my beliefs about life and myself…
Keeping the beliefs that are life-giving,
Discarding the beliefs that brought decades of fear and depression,
And giving myself freedom to question them all.
I’m learning what it means to love and accept myself for who I am right now.
I’m forming new relationships and deepening existing ones.
Peace is replacing anxiety,
Insecurity is giving way to quiet confidence.
For the first time ever…
I’m starting to dream of the future,
and wake most mornings with
Hope and Anticipation.
And occasionally,
I experience two strange new feelings…
Excitement and Joy!
Ian James
06/07/2016
On Living Authentically 
Comments on: "Discovering the new Ian…" (7)
Just brilliant Ian, I’m thrilled for you and excited to wait and watch where you go. love Jilly
Thanks Jilly… it’s scary and exciting at the same time.
Great news Ian! Hopefully life will continue to be onwards and upwards for you.
Awesome growth Ian. I guess we never will know how we will be till faced with the challenges of life. I hope I can be as brave as you but I hope it also won’t happen to find out.
I’m watching my mum slip away with dementia and for the first time today I watched her have to think about who I was.
I’m trying to be matter of fact about it. We will see how I go.
Thanks for your encouragment Liza.
My experience is that when we look at what other people go through we tend to think “I don’t know if I could handle their situation… it would be just too hard”, and yet when life presents us with our own traumas we just do what is needed and do make it through.
Going through your Mum’s situation will no doubt be hard but I have little doubt you will find the strength and wisdom you need when the time comes. Life doesn’t only give us tough times, it also gives us the resources we need to handle them… and grows us in the process in ways that nothing else can.
All the best, Ian
Great read Ian, it is exciting to see the new you emerging like the butterfly from the cocoon. The journey of self discovery is of value beyond words. Congratulations!
Thanks Monica, it is both a scary and exciting journey… but so good to be moving forward!