A journey into openness and honesty… Distilling truths about ourselves, others and life from shared experiences… Learning to live consistently with that truth… Becoming free to be who we truly are…

Bright Moments in the Darkness

June 21, 2017

Times of darkness can give birth to moments of brightness that owe their existence to the very darkness out of which they were born. And the deeper the darkness, the brighter these moments can be.

Losing a loved friend or family member is always traumatic. Losing them tragically adds shock to the trauma. Losing them to suicide is something else again… it leaves you numb and confused, and the darkness is especially dark.

Prior to Jilly’s memorial service I went to her unit to collect some items needed for the service and her burial. It wasn’t an easy task and I was very glad to have Jilly’s pastor, Julie, with me.

As I pulled into the driveway I noticed a young woman with a little boy outside one of the other units. She saw me drive in and looked at me more intently than a stranger usually does. I wondered if this could be the same young woman who found Jilly after the event.

All we knew about the person who found Jilly was that she was a young mum with her pre-school son coming to visit her elderly grandmother in another unit. When she saw Jilly at a distance she quickly ushered her son inside, called the ambulance, and tried unsuccessfully to help Jilly, but it was long past the point anything could be done.

Since that time I have been feeling deeply for this young mum. No doubt she was deeply traumatised by the event, but we had no way of making contact with her, assuming that this was even appropriate.

I then saw the young woman enter the unit where I knew the elderly grandmother lived. Almost certainly it was her.

At this point Julie arrived and we spent time gathering the items we came to collect. As we were about to leave I noticed the young woman was in her car outside the grandmother’s unit also getting ready to leave. A deep sense of compassion welled up along with an urgency to connect with her… this was likely the only opportunity we would have.

Julie and I quickly headed over to her car and flagged her to stop. When she opened her window we introduced ourselves, and sure enough it was the same woman. What followed was very special… Julie and I expressed our sorrow and concern at the trauma she had experienced, and she in turn expressed her care for us having tragically lost a dear friend. We encouraged her to get whatever help and support she needed… if not dealt with, experiences like these can scar a person deeply for life, with long-term destructive consequences.

As the conversation drew to a close I felt moved to say to her, “If you weren’t sitting in the car, and if it was okay, I’d be giving you a big hug right now”. At that she got out of the car and we hugged each other.

It was a profound and precious moment.
The light had broken through and shone brightly in the darkness.

 

ian-dingo
Ian James 21-06-2017

© 2017 Ian James, http://www.onlivingauthentically.com

Category:

Grief, Losing Jilly, Pain and Suffering

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My Reflection on Jilly Daines…

June 2, 2017

Jilly Daines was a very close friend for 25 years. On May 9th 2017 her life came to a sudden, tragic end. We held a memorial service for her earlier this week on May 30th.  I shared this reflection on her life at the service…

~~~

I’m going to tell you a story. Like all good stories it contains both the dramatic and the hilarious. None of it is fictitious; it is a very real story. It is the story of Jilly’s life. I hope it will give you an insight into who our dear friend Jilly was, and why her life followed the path it did.

I’d like to begin borrowing part of a quote used by Winston Churchill at the beginning of World War 2. He used these words in an entirely different context… nonetheless, his words provide a perfect description of who Jilly was.

Jilly was “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma”.

~~~

I first met Jilly about 25 years ago when she appeared at a Blackburn Baptist Church evening service and my wife Rosie brought her home afterwards for coffee. Jilly quickly became friends with Rosie and I and from that night on she was a regular visitor in our home.

Over the years Jilly and I developed a unique bond. Both of us had experienced many years of deep depression and we often shared deeply how thing were going for us. Jilly was one of the few people who really understood my pain because she’d been there, and even more so. Whenever we talked about the tough things of life she showed a deep capacity for care and compassion.

We also shared a love of hilarious jokes and antics… although Jilly’s depression and her crazy humour both more extreme than mine!

Our times together were a mixture of deep sharing interspersed with bouncing jokes and funny life moments off each other which prompted no end of raucous laughter.

One night I affectionately referred to Jilly as “My Crazy Diamond” echoing the Pink Floyd song “Shine on you Crazy Diamond”. Jilly loved her nickname and a few days later coined the name Pink Diamond (a rare, valuable type of diamond) for me. From then on we became CD and PD.

Jilly and I were like brother and sister.

~~~

When a person’s life comes to a tragic end one of the painful questions we all ask is “Why?”

Rather than allowing rumours and speculation fill the gap I want to give you at least a broad insight into Jilly’s struggles.

Jilly’s severe depression arose out of two issues:

The first, was a deep sense of abandonment. She felt she was emotionally stuck in childhood and couldn’t move on. She tried so many types of therapy and medication to seek relief from her pain; she sought answers from her Christian faith, but found nothing that filled the yawning vacuum within.

The second was confusion about her identity which lead to her feeling socially awkward and unable to fit in or relate to others. Jilly so wished she could have married and had children but could not bear committing herself to such a relationship. As a result she ended up living alone and lonely.

Jilly’s isolation sadly grew worse with time. Over the years she developed relationships with many people who came into her life and genuinely cared for her. Sadly many of these relationships came to a sudden end. Jilly’s feelings of abandonment and inability to fit in socially frequently lead her to mistake innocent comments or attempts to help her as rejection or criticism. This often triggered a deep anger that she felt unable to control, leading her to abandon the relationship… just as she felt abandoned herself.

Some of you here today have had that painful experience… I hope this helps you to understand why.

~~~

It is very important to understand that Jilly did not end her life lightly. For years she lived on the sharp edge of hopelessness. Despite all the efforts of those supporting her, both professionally and personally, in the end she believed that no-one and nothing could ever take away her pain. At the same time she could not bear to cause deep pain for those of us left behind, in particular her family who, I know without any doubt, she dearly loved.

Jilly often expressed deep frustration and anger towards God for apparently not listening to her cries for help… she would often say in her humorous but very serious way “and God’s in the bath again cutting His toenails!”. Nonetheless I want to assure you Jilly had a very real faith in God and at the end had no doubt whatsoever God would be waiting in heaven to welcome her when she arrived. God is a big enough father to handle any childhood rage we might want to throw at Him.

~~~

But it’s important to see that Jilly was so much more than just her darkness.

Jilly had a deep empathy for others. Whenever I shared my own struggles with her she always listened attentively with love and care. She would sometimes offer her own insights but never tried to fix me. She frequently emphasized that if ever she rang I had complete freedom to not answer if I was struggling myself at the time. Jilly cared for me and loved me deeply as a brother… I am really going to miss my supportive friend.

~~~

Jilly had a unique and incredible sense of humour. But it was not just her jokes! It was her antics!

Jilly felt like she didn’t fit in the regular mold and expressed it by intentionally being different. For many years she wore odd socks every single day as a protest against the pressure to conform. She delighted in other people wearing odd socks in response and would hand out Freddo Frogs as a reward.

One evening I took her to a Woolworths supermarket to buy some groceries. She spotted a life-sized cardboard cutout of a smiling, ‘ready-to-help’ staff member being used in store at the time. She picked it up, hid behind it and walked around the store holding it in front of her. I followed her a few paces back carrying the groceries and not knowing whether to laugh or die of embarrassment. The staff had no idea how to handle it!

On another occasion a group of us took her to a restaurant for her birthday. Jilly brought a pack of confectionery snakes to share. It wasn’t long before she had a snake hanging out of each ear and one out of each nostril! Jilly didn’t allow herself to be constrained by fear of what other people thought… something we can all learn from.

Another time Jilly invited a group of us to have coffee at her favourite plant nursery. The one condition was that we had to wear odd socks in order to score a Freddo Frog. Well Jilly didn’t just come wearing odd socks… she came dressed as a fully made-up zombie! Her clothes, make-up, hair colouring and her priceless blank expressions were just hilarious. Other customers had absolutely no idea what to think as she wandered around the store at random… she carried out the role perfectly!

Having no family in Australia, Jilly often joined neighbours or friends to celebrate Christmas Day. She came to our place a number of times and one hot Christmas Day we somehow got into a full-on water fight inside the house. I remember Jilly sitting on the family room couch just outside the kitchen servery window. I part filled a bucket of water, crept up to the other side of the servery, and tipped the bucket over her… but Jilly was one step ahead of me… she’d already donned a raincoat she’d found somewhere around the house.

Jilly loved Billy Connelly and his ‘no holds barred’ humour. Billy Connelly has a brilliant sense of humour that resonated with Jilly’s own rebellion against conformity and political correctness.

When Jilly was being funny she came to life. It was like all the darkness was suspended and she entered in a joyful, hilarious freedom. She had such a unique ability to engage others and take us into that space with her.

~~~

I could tell you a lot more about Jilly’s humour and antics but it’s time to return to the beginning.

Jilly was “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma”.

On the one hand she struggled with deep depression.
On the other hand she had an incredible sense of humour and the ability to draw others into that joyful space.
Wrapping up both was a deep love and care for other people.

Jilly was two extremes wrapped into one and was a mystery… even to herself.

To me though, more importantly, she was a precious sister… one who I could share anything with and never be judged… one who I could laugh with until I cried… My Crazy Diamond who I will dearly miss.

While I will never forget the depths of Jilly’s pain, what I will forever hold dear and remember her for is the hilarity we shared together. For me Jilly’s brightness will always outshine the darkness and I will remember her with a broad, cheeky smile on her face.

I hope that heaven is indeed a reality, a place where Jilly is still very much alive, and free of all the pain she experienced in this life.

When I too walk through those doors I will be longing to see Rosie, and my little daughter Anna who we lost at birth, and other family members who have gone before.
I will then be looking for Jilly and expect she’ll be longing excitedly to see me, ready for a big hug, with that huge, cheeky smile across her face!

 

ian-dingo
Ian James 30-05-2017

© 2017 Ian James, http://www.onlivingauthentically.com

Category:

Death and Beyond, Grief, Losing Jilly

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Life’s encounters… Heartfelt questions…

May 21, 2017

Two very different life encounters touched my heart on the same day last week.
While the common thread was love, the two were in stark contrast…

A little boy’s love…

My daughter Liesel needed to be in the city until early evening and asked if I could pick up Flynn from care. When I arrived a very tired little boy was almost asleep on the floor surrounded by other children. His head was at the foot of a couch so I reached over from behind and tickled his hair. He turned around, saw me, and without a word climbed onto the couch and into my arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and gave me a hug that only a young child can give. He has given me many such hugs from a young age… the joy and deep love that surges through my heart every time never diminishes.

A little later, as we drove home, a voice from the back seat said, “I love being your kid (grandkid)”. Again he touched my heart with the innocent, uncomplicated, totally unconditional love of a child.

After we’d had a two course dinner (a bowl of Weetbix followed by a bowl of spaghetti!) my phone rang. Liesel was on her way home and we talked until she pulled up outside.

I said to Flynn, “Let’s go and meet Mummy at the front door!”. Flynn and I ran down the corridor and as we arrived at the door he said, “We can scare her!”. This was not quite what I had in mind so I suggested we yell “Surprise!” instead. Flynn responded with a precious alternative, “No, we’ll say ‘I love you!’” and, “You say it when I say it Grandad!”.

I squatted down next to him and we waited while Liesel got organized to come in. A car door closed outside. I looked at Flynn and said, “She’s coming!”. Flynn focused on the door with frequent quick glances in my direction. I’ll never forget the look on his face. He was glowing with excitement, his eyes were bright with joy, and his body was shaking as he could barely contain himself.

Soon a shadow crossed the window next to the door and the door opened. We both yelled, “I love you!” and Flynn wrapped himself around Mummy’s legs. I think Liesel melted on the spot.

How incredibly precious these moments are! The beautiful innocence and unfettered feelings of childhood pass so quickly… thankfully we have memories we can hold onto forever… provided we make time to be part of them.

An old lady’s sadness…

The other encounter occurred while I was visiting Mumma (Rosie’s Mum) at her retirement village earlier in the day.

While there I happened to sit next to a very elderly lady in a wheelchair. We got talking and she shared a little of her story over the last few days… She began with a smile, “My family came to visit on Sunday (Mothers Day) and we had such a wonderful time!”

Her face began to fall, “But since then I’ve been feeling flat.” I gently enquired why and she replied, “When I lived in independently in the village I had so many friends. Now that I’m in The Manor (the high care facility) and I’m restricted to a wheelchair I can’t move around on my own. The staff take me to the daily activities but I no longer see my old friends and it’s been difficult to make friends here.” I suspect her apparent deafness had a lot to do with this.

She continued, “Since Mother’s Day I’ve been feeling lonely and bored. I have a very nice room here but I spend so much time there alone. Very few of my family visit… most of them don’t come at all. I tried to contact one of my grandchildren two years ago but they never got back to me, so I thought I would just let them be.”

She was now quite sad. I had no words to relieve her sadness. Feeling very awkward the best I could manage was, “Yes, everybody is so busy these days, it seems they find it hard to make time to visit”. Knowing that all I’d done is tell her what she already knew, I added, “But that does not make it right”. I felt so inadequate and knew my words had only reinforced her sadness. But what else do you say??

The conversation continued a little longer but she soon drifted off onto a completely different topic.

My thoughts turned to what life must be like for Mumma, and the many other elderly people around her, all facing the same situation.

Isolation is such a problem for our elderly people. The wider family circle has long broken down in our broken society. Knowing I had no answers to offer left me with a sad heart and painful questions I want to answer.

I then thought about my own elderly years, still quite a way off, but inexorable in their approach… Will my experience be the same? What can I do now to make it different when I’m elderly?

And, food for thought… Will your experience be the same? What can you do now to ensure you don’t find yourself isolated with diminishing life quality in your elderly years?

The common thread…

All of us, young and old, have an inbuilt need to connect with others at a deep level; connection with family is especially important.

Deep connection is the essence of love and meaningful relationships. Lack of this connection stunts the growth of young children, causes elderly people to die, and creates a yawning vacuum within anyone in between.

But relationships cannot exist unless we are prepared to invest time.

We live in a society where everyone is under stress and time poor; there are so many demands, so many ‘important things we have to do’, and not enough time to do them all.

So what falls off the edge? Often it’s quality time with other people. Family get taken for granted, our children get displaced by our work, we put our elderly folk in ‘care’ homes where they risk becoming isolated and alone. Quality accommodation, good food and excellent medical care can never replace the one thing they really need… love in the form of deep connection with family and friends.

The bottom line is that all our loved ones, friends, family, young, old, need US.

I’m not aiming to create a sense of guilt or regret here. Neither of these help us resolve this problem. Instead we need to face the question of what (more correctly who… our children, the elderly, each other) is most important in our lives and how we can give quality time to those who need our time and our love.

Every relationship we have in life comes to an end at some point. The only time we have to invest in them is now.

Something worth all of us thinking about.

ian-dingo

 

Ian James

© Copyright reserved
21-05-2017

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Uncategorized

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A new light in my life…

March 29, 2017

A single candle

There is something primal about a candle burning in the dark. The warmth and light provided by fire since the early dawn of mankind is captured in one small flame.

A candle offers security and comfort. Just one flame keeps the darkness at bay, along with all that is hidden by it.

A candle allows us to see. We can safely navigate a path through the dark, avoiding obstacles and holes that would otherwise cause us to stumble and fall.

A candle deepens our connection with others. It reveals only those nearby and focuses our attention on them. Seeing those we love in the soft, gentle light enhances the intimacy we experience together.

A candle touches our spirit with a profound juxtaposition. The tiny flame is so fragile it can be extinguished with a single breath, and yet, if set free, it has the power to become a raging fire. Holding that power captive in a single flame allows us to master one of the most powerful forces on earth. But still it commands our awe and respect… allow it to escape and it will pay us no heed as it sets our world on fire.

Exploring mindfulness

Over recent months I’ve been doing daily mindfulness exercises using a mobile phone app called Headspace.  Fifteen minutes a day has already proved its worth many times over. Becoming aware of my thoughts and feelings moment by moment is enabling me to understand and manage my thinking and decisions in a way I’ve never been able to before.

Instead of automatically reacting to situations, being aware of what I’m thinking and feeling at that time allows me to choose how I respond. Instead of being controlled by negative feelings such as anxiety, frustration, anger and depression, I am better able to acknowledge they are there, accept them, and make life-giving choices in the face of them.

I’m becoming more aware of what is happening in conversations with others… What is the other person really saying? Why are they saying it? How are they feeling? Instead of being absorbed by the impulse to ‘have my say’ and respond with my opinions, experiences and solutions, I can listen more intently and focus on understanding them. It is usually better to say less and listen more, in order to be more empathetic and  contribute more value when I do speak.

The mindfulness app began with a 30 day introductory pack called Foundations. You can then choose from a range of topic specific packs. So far I’ve worked through Anxiety, Acceptance, Sleep packs. Along with the mindfulness exercises each pack provides simple tips and techniques for getting the most out of the topic.

There is much more to mindfulness to than this but let’s get back to the candle…

My bedtime candle

One of the tips suggested in the Sleep pack was to set in place simple habits that tell your brain it’s soon time to sleep. These habits help your body and mind to begin relaxing even before you get into bed.

I now have a bedtime candle…

2017-03-24 Bedtime candle 1

My candle is mounted in a beautiful old brass candle holder… the classic design that allows you to safely carry a lighted candle from room to room. Each night after I’ve cleaned my teeth, taken my tablets and been to the bathroom, I light the candle in the kitchen and carry it to my bedroom, turning off the lights as I go. Placing the candle in front of the mirror on my chest of drawers fills the room with a beautiful, soft light. I change into my pajamas by candlelight, get into bed and blow out the tiny flame as my last act of the day.

It’s such a simple habit, but it is beautiful and profound at the same time. I guess this is how (healthy) rituals develop… simple acts that take on a much deeper meaning beyond the acts themselves. A pre-sleep habit encourages our minds to let go of the busyness of the day, and prepares our bodies to release all the physical tension that builds during the day.

Much more than a candle

One night when I put the candle on the dressing table I was fascinated by the reflections in the mirror and the way the light fell on some special items I keep on my dressing table.

The ‘Willow Tree’ Grandfather and Grandson statuette caught my eye. The soft light and shadows added a new dimension of beauty to an ornament that captures the precious relationship between myself and my 4 year old grandson Flynn.

I then noticed how the candle lit up a collection of three dice I have created over the years out of redgum, softwood and talc stone. Creativity is a gift that I value greatly. To be able to bring ideas to life using my own hands gives me a great deal of fulfilment. My writing and photography are other aspects of this gift. Each time I build, write or capture a ‘Wow!’ image, I feel like I have been given a gift to both enjoy myself and share with others.

My childhood teddy is very dear to me… as a very young boy I loved my teddy very much and cuddled it every night. But even more important is that provides a direct link to my Mum, who died unexpectedly when I was only 8 years old. I remember sitting next to her in the back seat of my Uncle’s car on a long holiday trip. Mum was knitting the jacket my teddy still wears to this day. This jacket captures the fact that my mother, whose severe illness left her unable to care for me for much of my early life, did in fact love me deeply, rather than being a woman who abandoned me during those critical years.

A new light in my life

I find it amazing that a single candle has brought to life so much more than I initially expected or hoped for!  Not only does it help my mind and body settle for sleep at night. It highlights the precious gift of creativity which inspires, fulfils and humbles me. It reinforces the connection I feel with my beautiful grandson. And it allows me to see that the mother who had no control over leaving me at such a young age was not only my mother but my loving Mum.

ian-dingo

Ian James
29/03/2017

Category:

Mindfulness, New beginnings, Wholehearted Living

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The meaning of Trees

March 22, 2017

Nature has a dimension that extends beyond what we see with our eyes.
If we take the time out of our endlessly busy lives to quietly be in her midst, she sometimes reveals her secrets… deep truths about ourselves, humanity and the universe…

Too great an expanse, the daytime sky,
Too majestic, the heavens at night,
For ancient trees to support the veil above forever.

One by one they grow,
Each tiny seedling stretching for the sun.
Lifetimes pass before the giant,
Beautiful, tall and strong,
Reaches the sky and takes its turn to hold it in place,

Immortal their stand appears to be,
But age and decay overtake them all,
In violent storms, or stillness,
One by one they fall.

But others take their load,
And none stood there in vain.
They held the skies,
While the Earth flourished below,
And their young grew around their feet.

Who are we, but trees?
Always reaching for the stars.
The full expanse of love and life,
Ever just beyond our grasp.

We hold humanity’s standard high,
Through Ages dark and bright.
Weaving a tapestry from life’s myriad strands,
As we struggle towards the Light.

But like trees we’re not immortal,
Age and decay overtake us all.
In life’s violent storms, or stillness,
One by one we fall.

But others then take up our load,
Our lives are not in vain.
We hold the skies,
While the World toils and plays below,
And our young grow around our feet.

 

ian-dingo

 

Ian James
22/03/2017

 

 

 

Category:

My Poems

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The power of what is NOT said…

March 8, 2017

The skill in listening is not only in hearing what the other person says, but hearing what they don’t.

Often what is absent from a person’s conversation reveals far more than what they say.

An example… A person who often speaks about their husband/wife/partner in glowing terms conveys the impression of a deep, fulfilling and happy relationship. If in all this they never mention the word ‘love’ therein can lay a very different story.

 “He who has ears to hear, let him hear…”

The skill in writing is as much in what you don’t say, as in what you do.

If the reader has to think and fill in the gaps, they may gain meaning and inspiration far beyond even what you intended. They are much more likely to remember and be impacted by insights they worked out for themselves.

 Write what is essential; delete the good, keep only the best.
Spoon-feeding produces children not adults. 

ian-dingo

Ian James
08/03/2017

Category:

Communicating and Connecting, Relationships

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The Threshold

March 5, 2017

A dream, a hope, a belief I hold close…

I’m standing on the threshold of this life, and what comes next,
That liminal space between what was, and what is to come,
The doorway, the veil, the light, or the darkness,
Even a precipice holds no fear.
Just one more step
Shall I fall, or float, or soar?
Or find new unseen ground beneath my feet?
It matters not
Death is no more the end of life than it is the beginning
The end of one tired journey, time to start anew.

And if this belief fails me
For no-one can know for sure
If death is truly The End of this “i am”
I will have lost all, and nothing
As “i am” will not be there to say “i was”, and grieve

But to me this makes no sense
So without shame I hold this hope
The essence of “i am” will continue on

Sunrise will follow sunset
(If indeed there is still a Sun)
A new realm beyond comprehension
That earthly words, and dreams, even imaginings, cannot grasp

What will I perceive in this new paradigm?
And how?
Will I see, hear, touch? Will I think and feel?
Or will my senses and mind be so transformed
That perceiving and being are completely new?

I wonder now how I will wonder then.

And far more crucial than What,
Who will I find?
How will we interact, and connect, and love?
If relationships exist at all.
Perhaps a myriad of “i ams” will be “we are”
Each unique, yet all as one.

But this threshold is a far horizon
Much yet to see, love, be and do
Or maybe not
I may be surprised
And next moment wake somewhere new.

ian-dingo

Ian James
05/03/2017

 

 

 

Category:

Death and Beyond, Living Well, Dying Well, My Poems, New beginnings

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If YOU don’t choose your future…

February 12, 2017

… SOMEONE ELSE WILL, and YOU MAY NOT LIKE IT!

How many elderly people do you know who are happy, fulfilled, have a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, and spend much of their time relating to family and close friends?

Growing old in our society

Experience with three elderly family members in their 90’s has raised serious questions about the future all of us are facing.

Western society has come a long way in improving the physical and medical care for elderly people, but when it comes to valuing their wisdom and experience, and maintaining their mental, emotional and social well-being we’re falling dismally short.

As people age we tend to view them as having little value to offer; they become a burden on society; we let them become progressively more isolated in their own homes, or send them off to retirement villages and ultimately nursing homes, where they are kept warm, clothed, fed and cleaned and spend their days being entertained by activities suitable for children. Meaningful social contact fades away, and their sense of worth and purpose wither. How many elderly people sit day after day doing little more than passively waiting to die?

Is this the future you want for yourself when you are old?? I doubt it.

It’s tragic that unless we die young, all of us are heading inexorably to this place, but few of us (me included until recently) are doing anything to change our direction or destination.

The bottom line is that if you don’t make choices to determine how you will live your elderly years someone else will make them for you. Even if family and medical experts genuinely care they may not fully understand your needs and desires at this stage.

A common response is, “Of course I’ll make these decisions for myself… But not now, I’ll do it when I’m older.” Here lays the big trap…  leave the decisions too late and you may have limited options available or have lost the ability to assess what is best for you. Change is gets more difficult as we age; unless we make plans in advance we will likely resist even considering it until circumstances force our hand or remove the choices from us altogether.

Please share your thoughts…

How can we do things differently?

What choices can we make now to ensure we maintain a happy, fulfilling life that provides value, purpose and meaningful social connection (as well as adequate physical and medical care) in our elderly years?

Sharing your thoughts will not only be help me and others who read this blog. You will also help yourself to begin the journey of ensuring you have the future you want. (And, you will be helping the group of blokes I meet with once a month discuss this topic at our next meeting.)

ian-dingo

Ian James
12/02/2017

Category:

Wholehearted Living

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Breaking free of fear…

January 27, 2017

Shortchanging ourselves…

How often do we give ourselves second best in life, or choose to not do what we are capable of, because of fear?

A lesson from life…

Earlier this week I literally had one of the best nights of my life because I pushed through that fear, stepped out of my comfort zone, and did what I really wanted to do…

I was late buying tickets to see one of my favourite artists, Passenger (Mike Rosenberg), in concert at the Sidney Myer Music Bowl in Melbourne. I got a seat in the back row at the extreme edge… the furthest I could be from the stage while being in the seated area.

When the support act finished the security guards motioned for people in the front rows to come forward to the rail in front of the stage. As Passenger started to play others from the audience made their way down as well.

I wanted to go down too but fear glued me to my seat. What was I afraid of? Some childhood fear of “getting in trouble” or being rejected? It was completely irrational and yet I just couldn’t move.

I stayed in my seat for the first two songs, my desire to go join the crowd pitted against this irrational fear. When the third song started I mustered enough courage, stood up, walked down the steps to the front, and found a superb spot just one person back from the rail.

Passenger and the band were only a few metres away, I had a near perfect view of the stage, and also the whole audience behind me when I turned around.

The music was incredibly loud, but not as deafening as I expected. The huge ground-level subwoofer stack was at chest height just on the other side of the rail… I could feel every base note pound through my body.

I had just stepped into an amazing space, physically and emotionally. The fear was gone. I never went back to my seat…

Being entertained by Mike Rosenberg is like having your best friend on stage sharing about his life, his empathy for others, and concerns about where the world is heading, and then translating this into his powerful heart-felt songs.

The concert was an awesome and profound experience. I stood there for the whole evening soaking up the atmosphere, joining in with everyone else clapping, yelling and singing at the top of my voice. I was high on feel-good emotions and having loved myself enough to step our of fear into freedom.

What I could have settled for…

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What I experienced after putting aside my fear…

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The impact of fear…

Had I stayed in my seat I would have had a great time… but I would have denied myself the best. How often do I do this in other areas of life? How often does fear hold me back from doing what my heart yearns to do, or stop me doing things that I am actually capable of doing?

My early childhood left me scripted with deep fears of rejection and failure. In response I adopted behaviours to minimize the possibility of these things happening.
Fear of failure has trapped me in my comfort zone… stretching or challenging situations are “too dangerous” because I might fail.
I’ve stayed silent so often instead of expressing valuable thoughts and opinions that could have impacted others lives… the fear of possible rejection was too painful.

These fears are irrelevant to my adult life and yet it has taken decades to realize this and start identifying them in action, distorting decisions large and small every day.

Keys to becoming free…

  1. Develop self-awareness of how you make choices. Raise a red flag every time you think “I can’t”. Are you choosing against worthwhile activities because of fear? Is saying you don’t have the ability/time/desire really valid? Or is it just an excuse to give in to your fear?
    For some months now I have been using a Mindfulness app called Headspace… it has helped significantly with being far more aware of my fears and how they impact my decision-making.
  2. Challenge fear-based thinking. Am I limiting myself because of a valid reason or because of fear?
    Sometimes there are good reasons to not do worthwhile activities… none of us have endless time and energy… some things in life (like climbing Mt Everest) really are outside our capabilities.
    However, our fears are often invalid and irrational. They frequently come from long-past experiences that have no relevance to our life today.
  3. You don’t have to suppress your fears but you don’t have to follow them either. Feelings are neither good nor bad… they are simply feelings. Accept that the fear is present and make your choice independently of it. In time the fear will likely dissipate.
  4. Choose what is most life-giving and do it. This is the tough bit… but it is also the doorway to freedom and fulfilment! Overcoming fear takes courage… but the more you choose against irrational fear and experience the good things that flow from it, the more you empower yourself, and the easier it is next time.
    (Yes, sometimes things may not turn out as hoped but instead of allowing “failure” to reinforce your fears, take the opportunity to learn and do things better next time.)

The theory is easy… applying it takes time…

Becoming free of fear is a process. It takes persistence and hard work.

I expect I’ll be working at it for the rest of my life…
… and every new step into freedom will be worth it!

Ian + dingo

Ian James
27/01/2017

P.S.
To experience a video of Passenger’s reflection on world events of 2016, the heartfelt song that followed, and the crowd’s powerful response, check out my facebook post… 

Category:

New beginnings, Wholehearted Living

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Two years today… the second anniversary of Rosie’s passing

October 29, 2016

Rosie's funeral - My tribute

Before today arrived I wondered if it was going to be much like any other day… I’m a long way from home in Queensland and unable to spend the day with other family members who I know will be finding it very tough (poor holiday planning on my part) but the thought of Rosie’s second anniversary just seemed surreal.

But it’s not like any other day… far from it.

Physically I’m in an amazing holiday destination on a beautiful day (in fact as I write I’m sitting in the café at the top of the Skypoint Observation Tower… the highest building in Surfer’s Paradise with stunning 360 degree views). Mentally and emotionally however I feel disassociated from my surroundings… my spirit is in a very different space from my body… almost like being in a strange dream.

The day has given rise to a very complex mix of emotions… the overall sense is that of being numb… it’s like I’m drifting and can’t find an orientation point to hold onto.

What am I feeling?

Sadness, yes. Grief, yes. A profound sense of loss… very much so.
Freedom and release, yes… it was a long, very tough 16 year cancer journey for Rosie and I. But release into what I’m still not sure… I’m still trying to understand who I am and what my new life is about.

There is also a very sober awareness of the sacred space I stood in on this day two years ago… being with Rosie, my wife of over 33 years, as she died… the final exchange of love between us in the hour before she passed… her letting go and dying immediately after I said to her “Rosie, you are free to go”… these incredibly powerful experiences have been indelibly printed in my memory and are once again replaying in my mind.

As I look up from my laptop and see the incredible views laid out before me a freeing thought comes to mind…

Rosie would have loved this place and been so excited to be here. No doubt she would want me to be excited and enjoy it too… so that’s what I’m going to do.

One thing these last two years have taught me… Joy does not always replace grief… it often sits alongside it.

I am so thankful that my honorary daughter Alexis lives in Surfer’s Paradise and that I am able to stay at her place over this weekend. Being away from family and alone at a youth hostel today and tonight would have been very tough.

ian-dingo

Ian James

Category:

Losing Rosie

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